Do you ever get the feeling where you just want to be yourself? You’re sick of being a professional, a workaholic, or even in my case a student. Today was one of those days. It’s not about being fake. It’s more of wanting to just comfily step into the silhouette of me, of who I am. While I am certainly flawed and full of all sorts of weird intricacies, I like being myself. I like the way I think about things. I like the way I laugh really loud and obnoxiously. I like discovering myself, who I am. Now this isn’t a new age, “find your inner self” sort of deal. I feel that when I find who I truly am, I’m really complementing God. It’s like I’m telling my Creator that I am happy with what He has made – me. And that I am content to be myself. To strop striving to be someone else and just be who God made me to be.
Why all of this thinking you ask? I love being a teacher. I really do. My days are now long but full of funny moments, “ah-ha!” discoveries, mistakes, and lots and lots of smiles. Teaching is rewarding. It’s hard to explain unless you’ve been there. Some of my students come from really bad home lives. I can’t even begin to tell you what they go through. My heart breaks for them and all that they deal with. I love trying to make them smile and bloom. But when I got home today, I was exhausted. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. I had this thought that I didn’t want to be Ms. Richardson for a while. I just wanted to be Julie.
So I did what I used to do quite frequently and loved – I went for a walk on the greenway. It’s been a raining day but it was just misting at the time and the air was cool but not too cold. I threw on a sweatshirt, grabbed my ipod and was off. After a couple ballads such as “Drops of Jupiter” I decided that silence was better. And I just talked in my head, went through my day, my life with the Lord. It’s been a while sine I’ve really done this. I have a hard time listening to the voice of the Lord and sometimes the best thing for me is to just get out in nature and listen.
Be Still. His voice whispers. You’re never still anymore. You run from place to place, from conversation to conversation. But what about having a conversation with me? I want to whisper things to you my child. Be still. I start to slow down. The stubborn side of me wants to run, to break away, to avoid this much needed confrontation. Be Still my child. Be still and know that I am God. My feet slow down. They stop. Rest in Me. Listen to My voice. I sit on a bench near a stream. I am still.
And that was the beginning of a conversation. The end hasn’t been determined yet. Lord, take away my constant desire for voice. Let me hear Your soft whisper.